Who Writes Southwest Airlines Flight Attendants’ Jokes?

Southwest Airlines flight attendants’ wisecracks are so funny that they have become legendary. Some of the jokes the attendants tell are so good that many passengers assume that they are scripted.

The truth is that the attendants’ jokes are not scripted, but they do have to be approved by the company’s management, according to veteran Southwest employee Robert Manigold in a Quora post. Manigold did not say who at the carrier actually approves the jokes, but they are apparently screened for “inappropriate material.” So the jokes are not scripted, but they do appear to be censored.

Despite the censorship, or possibly because of it, Southwest Airlines’ jokes are famously funny. An indication of their popularity is the vast number of them that can be found on YouTube and the attention that they receive. The Daily Mail reported that one joke had been viewed 165,000 times.

Interestingly enough, one of the video’s biggest fans is Southwest’s president and CEO, Gary Kelly. Kellytold The Dallas Business Journal that he watches the videos and thinks they are proof that Southwest’s culture is intact.

Classic Examples of Southwest Airlines Humor

 

If you want to see why Southwest Airlines’ flight attendants have such a loyal following, here are a few classic examples of their wisecracks:

• “To activate the flow of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute. Although that plastic bag may not inflate, you are receiving lots and lots of gin. Oxygen that is.”

• “If we do make you that nervous in the next hour and half, you’re more than welcome to step outside.”

• “If you smoke in this airplane, the FAA will fine you $2,000 [pause], and at those prices, you might as well fly Delta!”

• “For those of you traveling with children…why?”

• “If I can pretend to have your attention for just a few moments, my ex-husband, my new boyfriend, and their divorce attorney are going to show you the safety features.”

• “In the event that our captain decides to turn the LUV airline Southwest Airlines into a cabin cruise today, we’re gonna instruct you to remove this life vest from under the seat. Please, it is a life vest, not a toilet seat cover.”

• “Leave the web cam alone or you’ll end up on YouTube next week.”

• “The ladies and I would not have shown up for work today if we had anticipated a decompression.”

• “We’ll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on.”

• “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

• “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child…pick your favorite.”

• “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

• “And in the highly unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren!”

• “We’re about to go over the safety features of this airplane. Listen up! There’ll be a quiz later!”

• “Welcome to Club Boeing.”

• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this aircraft.”

The Serious Reason for Southwest Airlines Jokes

There is a very serious and important purpose for the jokes that Southwest Airlines flight attendants tell: to get passengers to pay attention to the safety instructions. The airline started the humorous practice in order to get travelers to watch the demonstration.

The flight attendants are not the only ones on Southwest that tell jokes. The pilots often get in on the act, and they can be just as funny, according to our friends online.

Some classic quips from Southwest pilots include:

• “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

• “Hi, I’m Captain ‘Amanda Smith.’ Yes, I’m a female pilot, and as a benefit, if we get lost on the way, I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.”

Flying might not be the enjoyable experience it once was, but at least you can get a few laughs on Southwest Airlines, and yes, true believers, the routine is not scripted.